"Mama would you tell me a story...

of when you were a little girl?" We used to ask our Mama this all the time. Some of my fondest memories are of these times. My sister and I would snuggle up in our big bed with the covers up to our chins, our teeth newly brushed, our long hair in braids down our backs. And Mama would begin "Well, one time when I was a little girl..." Her warm whisper helping our eyelids relax and our imaginations wander. I loved thinking of my Mama as a little girl just like me, with a little sister just like mine.

I got a chance to do that tonight. Right as my husband and I were getting ready to go to bed babyjama woke up. Before I even realized what I was doing, I was telling her about her trip off to dream land in the same voice that Mama used to tell her stories. In minutes baby girl was sound asleep again. Her Mama's voice was all she needed. I finished getting ready for bed and sat down to meditate, and tears sprang to my eyes. I am a Mama. That realization hits me over and over again in different ways. It's hard to explain, but it's powerful every time.

Duck and Cover

The past few days have been really hard for me. I am the type of person that likes to be liked. Growing up I tended to be the peace maker in my family, and used to go to great lengths to make sure that everyone was comfortable and feeling good emotionally. Lately I have noticed that doing that can sometimes steal a little piece of you. Becoming a parent magnifies this about a thousand times. It is easy to become a social reject when you have views that differ from the mainstream, especially when they are views that have to do with raising children. As soon as I got pregnant people came out of the woodwork talking about what was the right and wrong way to handle a baby. As I've always done, I took what I felt was relevant for me and left the rest. That is a lonely route though. It is very difficult to find like minded individuals...especially as a homemaker in the suburbs. My intention in starting this blog was to find a web community that thinks the way that I do while remaining anonymous, and connect with some other mamas who are dealing with the same issues. I wanted to remain anonymous in order to be able to be real with people...

That's all well and good, but this week when I was confronted about my blog posts I realized a huge problem in what I was doing. I was posting and venting on the internet, but hadn't spoken completely honestly to the person that I had the problem with. For that I am truly sorry, and hope that I will do better in the future. I'm going to go back and edit those posts, to make sure that even if someone finds out my identity in the future other identities will be protected.


So that's the business end of my tumultuous week, but I'm still trying to deal with the emotional portion of it. I have tried so hard to fit in with certain people in my life, and the truth is that it's exhausting. And at the end of the day I'm still paranoid that I'm getting gossiped about...it's like looking over your shoulder all the time. That's no way to live. I'm sure that none of this is over, but there's really nothing left to do at this point. I was talking to someone dear to me today and he reminded me that when we don't know what to do, it's because we just need to wait and allow the path to become clear. So that's what I'm doing.

Un-swaddled Toddlers? Diaper-free Debate?

I just read an article on the "diaper-free movement". Pretty interesting stuff. Parents say that their children give cues for when they need to "go" and the parents respond accordingly. The whole idea reminds me a lot of how we trained our puppy. We had read all the books about house training a dog, and were on the lookout for signs that he needed to go out. For a couple weeks we would watch his every move...or at least try to. I do remember a few times turning around and literally 2 seconds later catching a whiff of that all too familiar stench.

One of the doctors quoted in the article mentions that the baby learns to go at predictable times. That's essentially what happened with our dog. We got him into a routine, and so he knew that he didn't have to go in the house anymore. Eventually we relaxed the routine and he started actually communicating when he wanted or needed to go out.

The question is, does it work? Parents in the article say yes. One mother is quoted saying that her 6 month old doesn't wet the bed...sounds pretty awesome to me. I believe it too. We haven't decided to go diaper free, but we did decide to cloth diaper...and thinking ahead to potty training was one of the reasons. Disposable diapers...while convenient in some ways, have taken away that wet feeling. This can be a problem when getting ready for potty training, because babies don't have the "I gotta go" sensation followed by the "I'm wet" sensation. Therefore, it takes longer to make the connection that "I gotta go or I will wet myself". We may already be seeing this with our daughter. Most mornings she wakes up dry, and wets her diaper soon after waking up...of course that may just be wishful thinking.

The article says that the movement has sparked a debate. What debate? Maybe it's just me, but I don't care if someone else decides to diaper their baby or not. It's not really any of my business...and if it works for their families then more power to them.

Corporations and Kiddos

Over the summer I watched The Corporation (it's a great movie). The movie is a documentary that does a psychological analysis of corporations as if they were people (since corporations are treated as people under the law). It's really amazing what some corporations will do to increase profit margins. So now, whenever I see recalls of a product or hear about a company mistreating the public I mutter under my breath "damn corporate America". I honestly can't help myself.

So tonight, I shouldn't have been surprised to learn that a couple of deaths of babies caused by their cribs was no big deal to Simplicity (the company that made the cribs). One of the deaths occurred a couple of years ago, and the cribs were just recalled today. Sick.

It seems like everything is corporate now...how does one effect change on these giants?

Oh Geez

I accidentally came across this article from NewsMax.com this evening. I have been wondering about the HPV vaccine since it came out. I was mildly surprised earlier this year when the governor of Texas (Rick Perry) decided to make it mandatory for all girls entering the sixth grade to get the shot. I was revolted when I found out that the son of a bitch was in Merck's pocket.

The article mentions that more rigorous safety tests are being put into place since VAERS (Vaccine Adverse Event Reporting System) has received so many reports on the vaccine. Many of the women who are receiving it are turning up with juvenile rheumatoid arthritis and other disfiguring diseases. The line that got to me especially was about an 18 year old who received the vaccine and "hopes to be able to at least play guitar, draw and smile again". That breaks my heart. Please think twice before vaccinating yourself or your daughter.

A Cure for that Nagging Feeling

So after posting last night about feeling chumped by the interaction with my friend, I figured out what was rubbing me the wrong way. She keeps sending me information (most of which I have already read) that doesn't give me any peace of mind. Sure the information she sends says that vaccines are safe, but none of it actually addresses the issues that I'm concerned about. So, since she has offered to help me investigate this issue, I am going to give her a list of statements to check for validity. I will want to see the results that she comes up with, and read the articles for myself.

I came up with this solution because I was frustrated. She was sending me links to articles, which I felt that I needed to read in order to prove that I was looking at both sides of the argument. But looking at those articles was taking away from me actually getting into the guts of what I want to find out. Now I can actually get the information that I want, or (if she is unwilling to participate in this way) I can have her off my back. I'll let you know how it works out.

More Vaccine Talk

Wow just had to link to this.

Trying On My Big Girl Pants

I have a hard time setting boundaries. I tend to forget that no is a valid answer without any explanations. So when someone close decided to insert herself into a discussion about whether or not to vaccinate my daughter, my first reaction was frustration. Then I got pissed. Later that night I was finally at the point where I could be firm. I wrote her a calm e-mail letting her know that her concern was appreciated, but that she needed to know that she was not part of the decision making process. That was a big step for me.

I guess I didn't really stick to my guns though. Last night she called. She explained that she didn't expect to change my mind on anything, but that she wanted to be able to discuss. We actually had a nice little chat, but somewhere in there I feel like I got manipulated. I'm not really sure what happened, or exactly why the whole situation is rubbing me the wrong way. I listened to her point of view, but I guess I feel uncomfortable because I never truly expressed my opinion. I'm afraid of being labeled a whacko...even though I know that I can't actually control that. Blech...the whole thing leaves me feeling very unsettled. I guess I tried on the big girl pants...but haven't found the right size yet.

Sisters in Smiles

A dear friend of mine just gave birth to a perfect baby boy. She called me yesterday with the wonderful news. She told me the harrowing tale of her wonderful labor. She had been having regular contractions for a few days and kept getting turned away from the hospital since it wasn't "real" labor. She went on to tell how she had gone into the hospital for the last time, and had the baby within 45 minutes of her arrival. I was pacing the house and jumping for joy for her. It was so wonderful to hear such a great birth story.

She and I were pregnant together. I was due in June and she was due in September. We were both planning natural births. Mine was supposed to be at my home, and hers at the hospital. My plans changed drastically when we found out our baby was breach at 38 weeks. I ended up delivering by c-section to a stressed out baby girl who was then whisked away to the NICU. It was medicinal for me to hear my friend talk about her wonderful experience. I asked her "So do you feel like super woman?"...."well, YEAH" she replied, and I could hear the smile in her voice. Wow I thought, so someone really can do it. I don't know why I even asked the next question. I blurted it out without even really thinking about it "So no episiotomy then?". I could hear her throat tighten as she said "oh, well yeah". She went on to explain the "reasons" that the doctor used to tell her why he had cut her vaginal wall, and tried to sound fine about the whole thing. But I had already heard it....

I had heard the upset in her voice. That was the sound I knew...the sound of disappointment...the sound of pain...the sound of doubting your body...being pissed off about the medical advice that you received...not knowing whether or not to show that emotion. It's really fucked up, but when people hear that you had a baby, you are only allowed to be happy. Of course mothers are happy to have their babies, but there should be room for us to deal with the emotions regarding the violation of a medically managed (or should I say mismanaged) birth.

This scenario reminds me of a story my mother told me about a Russian student at her college. One day my mom asked this student what he missed most about his country. He said he missed being allowed to have a shitty day. In America you are required to always answer the question "how are you?" with "fine". He said that in Russia you can walk around with a scowl on your face and people understand that.

Mothers are not supposed to be upset about their childbirth experiences. And if you are upset make sure you hide it quick...you never know who might come at you with a prescription for prozac.

I'm sure my friend and I will never talk about our disappointments openly with each other. I have told her bits and pieces of mine, but I know that it isn't what she wants to hear. She is someone who doesn't like to admit disappointment (maybe she thinks it's a weakness), and so I doubt I'll ever hear her admit hers.

I didn't sit down to write this post in order to become preachy about birth. This post got me up out of bed because it's evident to me that women are expected to keep up a stepford wife type facade all the time. Even with each other I see women trying to keep from showing true vulnerability. I do feel that there are problems with how women's health care is handled, but I don't think that there is any hope for change if women continue to eat shit and grin.

Vaccines Scare the Bejesus Out of Me *Edit*

As a young child I used to hear my mom talk about not wanting to vaccinate us. Eventually she got worn down and my sisters and I received all of our vaccinations.

I honestly didn't think much about vaccinating again until I was pregnant with my daughter. There is a lot of buzz out there that truly scares me about the whole vaccine issue. First of all, the thousands of testimonials from parents of children with autism speak volumes to me. Most recently I saw Jenny McCarthy on Oprah. She talked about using her mother's intuition to help her son recover from autism. I feel that this is something that our culture really lacks. I think going with your gut instinct is definitely under appreciated and should be valued in our society.

So initially gut instinct led me to investigate about vaccines. It's almost impossible to find sources that don't have a bias one direction or the other about vaccines. I have read articles that range in viewpoint from there is no danger posed by vaccinations (which can't be true based on the problems that have arisen) to vaccines don't work at all and are a danger to all children (as tempting as it is to believe this, I think this argument is just as faulty as the argument put forth by the drug industry).

I just found a website that says that it is dedicated to seeking out the truth. It is not full of the degrading remarks that the polarized ends of the debate put out there.

My research on the topic has sparked some controversy in my personal life. I recently tried to make a well baby appointment for my daughter. When I was asked about my daughter's immunization records, I casually mentioned that we are delaying vaccinations (at least for a while)....silence...."well, the doctor won't see her then". What????

I was shocked (although now I realize I shouldn't have been). I later talked to the nurse who gave me a good scolding. At the end of the conversation I had a horrible knot of fear in my stomach. To deal with this I fired up my google toolbar and searched late into the night. I admit that I was mostly looking at things that supported my argument.

I was however captivated by the story of a father who had lost his daughter 16 hours after getting her two month shots. Her case was wrongfully diagnosed as SIDS, and her father embarked on a mission to get to the bottom of the vaccine situation. What really hit me was the fact that the drug companies have powerful lobbyists in the legislatures that decide what vaccines to require. Those companies will lose billions of dollars if the public gets scared about vaccines. And those companies try to cover up legitimate concerns rather than address them. That is a problem for me.

In addition to my run-in with the nurse, someone close to me on vaccines. Most of my interactions with her have included a large dose of condescending bullshit....so there you have it. Concern is one thing, but I don't want her to think she has the right to second guess the decisions that my husband and I make regarding our daughter. I am highly educated, and quite capable of making decisions. I can guarantee that no one is as interested in my daughters well being as me and my husband.

For now, I'm mostly holding out on vaccinating because of the feeling in the pit of my stomach. I'll keep investigating as long as I need to...who knows what the final outcome will be. We'll be waiting for further research that will set our minds at ease one way or another.

*I added a link to the story of the father whose young baby died*