Second guessing, and third guessing...

...You get the picture. I've been struggling with something rather personal the past few days, and what a great way to deal with it...I'll let the entire internet in on it. The thing is, that I've been worried that I'm trying to do too much. A couple weeks ago, I told you that I had a plugged duct in my breast, and the first line that basically every source says in treating such a thing is "This may be the first sign that you're doing too much." Granted, this was at a time when the sky seemed to be falling. We had graduations, and operations, and work, and all sorts of things going on. So after resting and trying out different treatments, I and my breast healed right up.

But the "you may be doing to much" thing stuck in my head. I'm a homemaker who works part time at home. The thing is though that I want to have it all. I want to have a really cozy home, with great meals, tons of quality time with babyjama, a successful and fulfilling part time job/business, money for extras, plus have time for the organizations that I belong to. Last week it got to the point that I felt like a deer in the headlights. Babyjama was napping, and I felt like I had absolutely no idea how to prioritize. Should I work on the mountain of laundry? Or maybe the dishes? What about that e-mail that needs to go out? What about my weekly responsibilities for Work it, Mom!? What about the reading that I need to complete for one of my organizations? What about the blog? How about a nap (afterall you haven't slept much lately)? What about working on some bids for some new translation projects? And I only have 45 minutes? It felt like trying to save the world in less than an hour. At this point, I can't even tell you what I worked on during that nap, but the whole thing left a sour taste in my mouth.

What am I supposed to cut out? I feel really strongly about being right here for babyjama in these early years. Day care is absolutely not even a consideration for me. Maybe that's snobbish for me, but a very good friend and mentor tells me often that "We parent the best way we know how for the time we're in." I can't imagine anyone else giving babyjama the kind of care that I give to her (even though I have worked in two different, and wonderful day care settings).

So with that off the table, we could cut out housework. I guess this is plausible that my husband and I could work on housework together in the evenings and on weekends (that's mostly what we do right now), but sometimes I get so sick and tired of that being our "quality" time together in the evenings. That's when I start saying things like, "leave the dishes, let's just hang out, and I'll do them tomorrow"...which leads us back to the original scenario.

I suppose that I could cut down on working. Also somewhat plausible. I really do enjoy what I do. Also, another benefit of working even part time is that I don't have a long gap in my resume, plus I am making some wonderful business contacts and friends (let's not forget about friends). Plus there's the money...the money is pretty nice...not that I make a lot, but it's good to have that extra wiggle room every month, and I don't know how I could possibly find anything more flexible...it really is amazing.

My organization involvement...I really want to take this off the negotiation table too. I absolutely love the Mom's organization that I belong to. It's absolutely the highlight of my week. It's something that I do just for me, because it expands my mind, and I get to help others. I would be so so so sad to give it up, but I guess if I had to I could.

Blogging? but it doesn't take up that much time...really. I spend very short amounts of time on here a day...if I even blog once a day...I really don't want to give up something that I get so much satisfaction out of, but I guess it could be on the chopping block if it really came down to it...but man that would suck.

So there you have it, that's the dilemma that came up this past week. Oh and the kicker is...my plugged duct is back...that's right. So this looks like an issue that I can't just put on the back burner and forget about (wouldn't that be nice?). I'll let you know what I come up with...unless I decide to just ignore the whole thing until the right side of my torso explodes.