This is a difficult time to write for me. I have so much to say, but don't know exactly how to appropriately express myself. Things are good. No, in fact, things are great. Papajama and I are anxiously anticipating the very first ever non-arrival of a credit card bill. That's right, this month will be the first time ever that we don't have to include that huge expense in our budget.
In addition, I/we have kept up extremely well with our flylady.net babysteps. I honestly can't remember a time having the house this clean for this long, and as papajama and I were discussing last night, the finances and the household organization seem to be related. One of my very favorite things that Suze Orman says is that you have to have a clean house because if you don't respect the things that money can buy than you don't actually respect the power of money (that's a rough paraphrase...don't quote me). For us we seemed to work it the opposite direction. We were scared and didn't feel secure because we didn't have a handle on our finances, and so we completely re-evaluated everything that we did with money. Now we feel secure, and our finances are in order. It's that same process with the house. Our home wasn't the haven that we (well really me...I think he could live in a hole in the ground as long as there was comfortable seating, books and TV) wanted. The process is a slow and steady one, and we're starting to rule over our things rather than have them rule us.
This is also the week that papajama is back at work. No students this week, but he's now back in meetings full time, and again, it's great. We were dreading the start of this school year a little, because the summer was so short for us, but honestly this has been the smoothest transition from summer to school year that we've ever had. We're communicating well, we have a great household routine going. I just feel like we're working together the best that we ever have...
Can you feel the "but" coming on?
However (ha tricked ya), there is a huge storm cloud that seems to be looming over the horizon. We just had an explosively emotional family vacation, and although our relationship is fantastic, it seems to be putting some sort of drag on all that is going great in our life. I'm still struggling with dreams that leave me angry and my jaw clenched when I wake up.
I come up with long speeches in my head, and then have to remind myself that if you're dealing with someone who's unwilling to listen that there's no use. I want to defend myself so fiercely, yet I mostly feel like I'm in a boxing stance in the middle of a pitch black room. I'm not sure if the next thing that touches me is going to try and knock my head off or give me a hug. If I misjudge the situation, then I'm the villain for wounding someone who was trying to be kind or I'm seriously injured because I didn't defend myself against a gruesome attack.
The situation is an absolute lose-lose. My strategy as of right now is to be myself...whatever that entails. I might never be able to get others to like me, but I'm completely lost if I can't even look at myself.
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3 comments:
"My strategy as of right now is to be myself...whatever that entails. I might never be able to get others to like me, but I'm completely lost if I can't even look at myself."
This is soooooo true. If you can't be true to yourself, what's the point really? Some people will live their entire lives and never get the know themselves. To me, this is the real tragedy.
Insecurity is an ever present facet of life because on the one hand everything that happens follows a pattern of some sort, and on the other hand there is unpredictability in everything that happens. Being able to see pattern within everything leads us ultimately to an understanding of connectivity and Oneness. Having these patterns of life manifest unpredictably reminds us that we are not in control ultimately. This paradox causes us to live in an ever present state of uncertainty that it is impossible to resolve.
However, what we do have the ability to resolve is what is true within ourselves. With each and every event that happens we have the ability to honestly assess how we are affected physically, emotionally, mentally, and finally spiritually, and learn our own patterns of behavior and relationships. Mamajama refers to how gaining awareness of our internal patterns gives us insight into the interconnectedness of life with her comment: "as papajama and I were discussing last night, the finances and the household organization seem to be related."
The ultimate challenge for each of us in life is how we resolve the question of whether we are an integral part of creation or are only as important as we can impress on others. Some in our lives that are caught up in issues of self-importance will create conflict with us to challenge the relevance that our connections provide that we are a vital part of creation. They have little choice in this. Challenging the validity of those that have gained certain insights that assure self-importance is what those that seek importance from others must do in order to prove their own importance. It is the path that they must take before they can abandon their outward seeking and go within.
We all come from this basic insecurity.
As monkey girl points out: Some people will live their entire lives and never get to know themselves. To me, this is the real tragedy. This tragedy is ended only when we learn to forgive ourselves for being insecure in the first place. Then the question becomes how to continue to grow by best facilitating our own forgiveness.
I don't understand, did you do something wrong? You let your feelings be known at the moment. Does the injured party feel that you should've came to them directly? Why won't you be able to look at yourself? What exactly did you do wrong? Maybe I'm missing something? you were yourself when you wrote it and your still yourself now. Don't let this break the peace and contentment you fought so hard to attain with Papajamma.
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